The end of the Rabbit year was extra volatile. I was told the Rabbit would struggle with the Dragon through Feb. 6, 2012, so who knows what is left in store. The main life changer was an event in my life, I hope never to have to repeat again. Let's roll back the clocks to mid Dec 2011. Just finishing exams and prepping for my first year comprehensives. I tend to act out a bit after finishing major exams. A bit of a rebellious streak from my teen years bubbles to the surface. Once I left a note on a motorcycle, for a man who I imagined owned my two favorite bikes that park in front of our school. I guess its the thrill of an immediate risk. Anyway, they never really amount to much. Like an instant burst of fireworks, then well back to reality. So, back to Dec 11. I met a young boy in the dog park. I normally don't care for chatting much, but he was persistent and seemingly interesting. I thought maybe even deep. Later I was to find out he is just perma-stoned and I took long delays or slowness as thoughtful-ness. ANYWAY, it was cute how it started, but the end was so hideous, its hard to remember anything redeeming about the experience. NOTE TO SELF. 27yr old boys are too young and inexperienced for what I need in a partner. And well, even though I respect tattooing as an art, this kid was not an artist. He turned out to be ultra conservative and down right ignorant with serious anger management issues. So, how many red flags had I ignored while living out this short-lived fantasy?
I've recently started therapy to try and understand my patterns. See if I am standing in my own way. It seems like there are many things this utterly horrible experience has brought to the fore...I have some deep childhood issues that may be influencing my decision making when it comes to men and highly emotional situations. I don't think it is healthy to respond to anger the way I do, but I'm realizing these are patterns that were set in childhood that were survival mechanisms. My therapist wants me to acknowledge the pain inside, the physical manifestations when I think about it, and breath into it. Begin to let it heal. This part of me who is afraid of anger, might be the first responder in these emotional confrontations. I tend to shut down. Not speak up for myself and take the abuse until it clams down. My chest gets tight just writing this. Apparently, I've been conditioned to ignore red flags, until its way beyond what is acceptable. My goal now is to learn to differentiate between my different tendencies, listen and heed my intuition, and heal my inner child. All so I can be the strong adult me that faces most of my daily challenges, even when things become heated and emotional.
My therapist asked me if I could fall asleep tonight and wake up with everything I wanted, what would that look like.
I took a moment and then said, I'd want to be happy in a supportive, fulfilling relationship, pursuing my goals. Maybe a family, but that would depend on who that unknown man is.
That's all. Health and happiness within a good relationship. And I am actively working on me in the meanwhile. Understanding myself better, so I can be the best healer, partner, and friend/family that I can be.
May the Black Water Dragon bring in new and promising beginnings!
I'm learning from my mistakes, taking action to do what I can to correct my end of things. I am humbled. I am also proving the depth and character of my strength to myself. The thing I would like to wake up to tomorrow is a stronger and less fearful me. What I fear is real, but the only way to protect myself is by being strong! Can't let this kid bully me anymore. So, on that note, I'm gonna dream about a protector, maybe in the form of energy or a physically manifested Jason Statham. Then tomorrow, embody that energy.
Thanks for reading along. Surely, the next romance will be better than this past one. Lived and learned. Next!
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