Fight or Flight

"Fight or Flight" is a term used to describe acute stress response.
This is the title of my unwritten History of Boyfriends.
As Venus is in retrograde, I have decided to look back and try to resolves things with Henry before allowing myself to move forward without doubts.


March is the 2nd anniversary of my father's passing. In this time since 2006, how have I directed my life? At that point, I had no idea I would be in Beijing or that I would stay for so long. Life can surprise you completely. So to move forward, I have to look back.

March 14, 2007
My father, D.J. Lee, passed away suddenly. I received a panicked call from my mother. I had never heard her sound like this and only in hindsight can I even begin to imagine what she was going through in the first 30 mins as she waited for the ambulance to arrive. All she could say is that Dad was dying and I needed to come home immediately. I had a 16 week old German Shepherd puppy that had grown past airline under seat storage size. I had to think about how I was going to do this. At the time I didn't have a car, so I had to come up with a plan quickly. I called my sister first, as I did on 9/11. She was calm. She is always calm. Uncertain of the details, she said she had sent her husband Doug to Mom's. My brother called me soon after. I asked if he would be willing to drive with me and my new puppy. He was very accommodating and told me to meet him at his house in Jersey that night. We would drive through the night to get to Mom's by the next day. At the time, I had a doggie vest that read "Service Dog (with a interchangeable Velcro label) In Training." Meta had out grown carrying size and I needed her to be able to get on public transportation with me & I also did plan for her to get certified one day as a Therapy dog. Well, point is I had to get on the subway from Brooklyn, get to Penn Station, get on a NJ bus and commute another hour. She was great. Pee-ed in the middle of Penn Station, but other than that was very professional. We made it to NJ and drove south that night.

March 14, 2008
Return home to support my Mom. We hiked up to the tallest peak in Georgia, where the year before we had dusted Dad's ashes. We revisited this spot and had a family picnic.

I spent a month at home with my Mom to help her go to doctor's visits and help my sister who had been taking care of my little Meta, just over a year at this point. It was time well spent.

By the time my birthday came around, I decided I wanted to be back in New York. One of my best friends, Amy Mitchell, flew in to spend my birthday night with me and Meta at the Rivington Hotel. I threw myself a birthday party in the hotel bar and got to spend a great relaxed night catching up and feeling very loved. I turned 33. Henry sent flowers to the hotel and gave me a b&h gift card towards a new digital point and shoot I had been needing, as my first Sony cybershot had died.

March 14, 2009
This year, I will not be with family. I am in Beijing on my final trip for the foreseeable future seeing through some commitments and giving myself some time to heal and try to make art work and learn about China. Saturday TBD. The rest of my family will be with Mom. Meta included. She is now just over 2 years old (14 in dog years). I had told my Dad about Meta and sent him a photograph before he passed away. I think part of him feeling ok about me was knowing he had helped me buy my place in Park Slope and that I had started a family of my own in some way.

As the two year mark comes around, I am thinking of all the new things I've done and seen since. I hope my Dad would be proud of me for taking some chances for love and work, but I can only hope. There is a sense of freedom I have now, that is new too.

I am going to lead life with my heart. More so than ever and not hold back. This time I'm just going to let myself have fun and not worry so much. Or at least try. Will surround myself with people who make me laugh and can love me fearlessly. That is how I see my future.